Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
