My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
