I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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