I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
