hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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