So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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