In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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