I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
