I wanna passion pit in your ass
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
