Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
