Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
In America we eat man semen.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
