I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
