i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
