So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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