WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
