the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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