I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's Friday. Sex?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
