you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
