It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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