I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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