Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
