god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
