I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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