I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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