2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
