and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
