I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
handjob tips. give me some.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
