i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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