Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
