So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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