What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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