I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
