i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
