From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
