I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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