I must be too annoying 4 u.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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