I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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