how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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