the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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