Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Shame is for Republicans.
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