I wish I could teleport
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
