U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
