i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
no, he came in my armpit
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
