I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
