I wish I could punch you in the face.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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