Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
