I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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