when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
