Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine