So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?