could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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