My friends, they love my intelligence
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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