Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
