I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
