before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
