Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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