Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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