Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
